What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 04:24
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is soul school!.
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I have no regrets .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
How do I identify fake friends in life?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I waited trembling.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Put me off passion for life!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was 9 years of age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it wasn’t much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So whats the point in blame.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My life is so biszare .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It was going to be , some day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was very sick at this time too.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I will be 64.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..